The King's Shilling

by Thomas Morton

The following were promoted, enlisted or assigned to a new berth:

Roxton, Vice Admiral of the Blue, Royal Navy
Weatherbee, Senior Post Captain, HMS Fox, Royal Navy
Westlake, Lieutenant, La Sibylle Royal Navy
Prentquin, Surgeon, La Santa Perpetua

The following were mentioned in despatches:

Roxton, Vice Admiral of Red, Indian Squadron, Royal Navy
Westlake, Lieutenant, La Sibylle

The following were criticised in despatches:

None

The following are in captivity:

None

The following were killed in action:

None

The following are to be honoured by His Majesty:

Roxton, Vice Admiral of Red, Indian Squadron, Royal Navy, Duke of Carlisle

Lord Roxton’s Californian Adventure!

By By Mister Barry Bigglesworth

His Excellency the Marquess of Roxton received a grand tribute from the Spanish as the Lord Admiral seized more treasure ships along the coast of California, at a place called Point Conception in our language. Once the Dons realised that El Tiburón (The Shark) prowled their midst, they readily hoisted the white flag in surrender. While the vessels transporting the treasures proved cooperative, their escorts never entertained capitulation.

Lord Roxton engaged the forty guns of La Santa Sabina as her broadside swept La Santa Perpetua’s deck and injured the marquess. His Excellency’s fortitude, coupled with an unshakable sense of duty, kept the Lord Rear Admiral of the Red conscious and constantly in motion as he directed the battle from La Santa Perpetua’s quarterdeck in full view of the Spanish. After a heated exchange that lasted several hours, the superior skill of Santa Perpetua’s gunners prevailed over her better-armed foe.

While La Santa Sabina’s crew could be rated among the cream of the Spanish fleet, the constant training of Santa Perpetua’s crew and the ferocity of the wounded admiral’s visage (as he maintained the quarterdeck, despite grievous wounds and constant enemy fire) tipped the balance in Santa Perpetua’s favour. Remarkably, the Marquess of Roxton remained upon his feet to accept the sword of Don Juan Bautista de Bazán, marqués de Santa Cruz de Mudela, before his injuries necessitated His Excellency to lean upon Santa Perpetua’s junior officers for support. Fortunately for Lord Admiral Roxton, Dr Morris Prentquin (Santa Perpetua’s new surgeon) attended to wound before festering warranted the amputation of His Excellency’s leg.

Of course, the influx in gold and silver to the Crown recommended Lord Roxton for promotion (to Vice Admiral of the Blue) and further investment (namely the Dukedom of Carlisle). Furthermore, His Grace the Duke of Carlisle shared in the good fortune of Captain Sir Jonah Weatherbee, whose daring command of HMS Fox prevented the captured treasure ships from escaping whilst His Grace attended to their escorts. Sir Jonah’s exemplary conducted brought about his promotion to Senior Post Captain.

Mister Francis Westlake Battles French Frigate off the Coast of Africa!

By Mister Barry Bigglesworth

La Sibylle, under the command of Acting Lieutenant Francis Westlake, met another vessel off the Ivory Coast of Africa. When the ship (identified as the French frigate La Junon) hoisted flags to hail La Sibylle, Mister Westlake, lacking the proper French signals, failed to properly respond causing the Frenchman to open her gunports. Inspired by the example of his mentor, the Lord Admiral Roxton, Lieutenant Westlake approached La Junon with the intention of boarding her before she discharged her broadside.

Fortune favoured Mister Westlake and he brilliantly executed his plan: La Sibylle’s prize crew subdued the Frenchman’s numerically superior compliment. Remarkably, Lieutenant Westlake continued issuing instructions to his men despite sustaining a wound to the leg from a musket ball. His demonstrably heroic actions warranted his long deserved promotion to full lieutenant and commendation from the Admiralty upon his return to England.

The Fighting in the American Colonies

By Mister Redmond Barry

Alfred Cahill, in command of a battalion of the King’s Own Royal Regiment, recently replaced the many regiments departing for home. In their capacity as defenders of New York, the King’s Own successfully fought detachments from the New York Line. Lieutenant Colonel Charles Somerset then led a squadron of First Regiment of Life Guards in pursuit of the retreating rebels. Unfortunately for Colonel Somerset, the enemy regrouped and stood prepared to receive the charging Life Guardsmen.

As the squadron fought the First New York in close quarters; a soldier from the enemy square bayonet Lieutenant Colonel Somerset numerously in the chest, abdomen, head and legs. Luckily for Somerset, his armour allowed him to survive the engagement (even despatching the American who attacked him). In the end, the traitors withdrew en masse, which permitted the Life Guards to leisurely cut them down as they relinquished the field of battle to the British Army.

The Count of Flanders’s Invasion of Hannover

By Mister Redmond Barry

Much as I should like to report fine weather and victory, the news from the Continent is bleak. The month of September brought a worsening situation in Hannover. Still reeling from the Flemish invasion of western Hannover, the Electorate found itself facing a second invasion from the south!

Crossing the frontier with a force of Bavarian and Swiss troops, John II of Flanders left his intent in little doubt as he moved to reach a rapid conclusion to the conflict which, some on the Continent have now named the War of Retribution. A fitting name, I should say, for a conflict which has thrown the full weight of John II’s wrath upon the Electorate of Hannover.

This conflict has been in the making since the rebirth of the realm of Flanders. Following the invasion of northern France, John II found himself stripped of troops, garrisoning the conquests with troops raised and funded from his own purse. Whether this was due to benign neglect, incompetence, or darker intent on the part of the government in London is a question which remains unanswered. His patience exhausted by the string of requests for troops and support which remained unanswered by London, John II accepted the throne of Flanders. Even then, he continued to maintain a garrison in the conquests in Normandy on behalf of Britain, requesting that a British garrison force be sent with dispatch to take possession. The government’s response was inaction. Well, not complete inaction. While John II maintained cordial relations with His Majesty George III, his relations with the Nottingham government had never been cordial. The threats issued by the government only ceased with the intervention of His Majesty. This state of affairs simmered for some time. No kind regards were rendered upon the His Highness’ official coronation nor were congratulations forthcoming upon the birth of Prince Baldwin, an event properly observed by the rest of Europe. This was even with an official diplomatic party present on the Continent!

This was the state of affairs when Sir Norbert Dontrasongle, a former comrade of His Highness and a serving brigadier in His Majesties armed forces, arrived on the Continent and attempted to assassinate His Highness! Once again the Nottingham government said and did nothing. There were no abject apologies, no expressions of shock and horror, no condemnations of the act, and no investigations launched. There was absolutely nothing, and the silence was deafening on the Continent. It was a heavy silence, for it suggested support if not outright culpability for the attempt! Regicide is not an act which will gain any sympathy in the glittering courts of the Continent. This of course explains the name this conflict has been given as well as the fact that there is not one realm on the Continent which has lifted a finger to aid poor beleaguered Hannover. In fact, there are several states which have, unasked, offered the invaders passage through their territory!

Now that we have reviewed the particular history of this conflict we can move on with the current news. I am certain that our readers remember the pompous, but successful invasion into western Hannover by Flemish troops under the command of the Comte de St. Omer. While the merry count’s aesthetic meanderings may have delayed his progress, it was not a delay to give us any sort of hope. In short order the count had overrun all of Hannover west of Oldenburg and was sweeping over the Prince-Bishopric of Osnabrück. Even with the momentary pauses for his muse, the count accomplished his work with surprising skill.

It was as the forces of the Electorate were still reeling from the count’s unexpected assault that the mixed Swiss-Bavarian force crossed the southern frontier under the command of His Serene & Imperial Highness Count John II himself! The old university town of Göttingen fell to His Highness on the eighth day of this month and within a week the army had reached the city of Hannover itself! The Comte de St. Omer coming from the west and John II from the south reached Stadthagen, a spot somewhere mid-way between Minden and Hannover, where the full army united. As the army encamped in Stadthagen, the remnants of the Army of Hannover frantically brought in as many forces they could from their scattered positions in what portions of the Electorate remained to them.

In the predawn hours of the fourteenth John II heard mass for the feast of the Triumph of the Holy Cross in Stadthagen Castle, no doubt praying for victory. As the sun rose, the two armies assembled upon the chosen field of battle. The site, some five miles from Hannover itself, would be the canvas upon which the decisive end of the conflict would be painted.

The glittering sight of the two armies arrayed in the field was a sight to behold. The bright uniforms of the regiments arrayed beneath battle flags fluttering in the breeze was a breathtaking image that will stay with me to the end of my days. All at once the artillery opened up and the two contending armies moved forward and the battle was commenced. The two sides fought hard, and there were examples of valour and sacrifice on both sides. The Hanoverians, fighting for hearth and home, fought with a fury unseen in a Hanoverian army in my lifetime. The Army of Flanders, fought with equal fury for equal cause. The slights of the British government had been too much to bear. Their actions had shown nothing but contempt for the House of Flanders-Lorraine and the attempted regicide had been the proverbial straw which broke the camel’s back. The Bavarians troops, who held little affection for their own Elector and Duke Karl Theodor, had come to love the Count of Flanders during the time he had spent training and reforming his step-father’s army and they took the attack against him in Munich as a personal slight. As for the ever efficient Swiss, His Highness had always been honourable in his dealings with him and they would deport themselves accordingly.

Generalfeldmarschall Graf von Linsingen, the Hanoverian commander acting as His Majesties viceroy in the Electorate, held his own on the field. In a stroke of genius he concentrated an inordinate amount of artillery fire on the Swiss on the Flemish left flank and struck hard at the Bavarians on the right. The Flemish in the center held firm as expected, but could not press forward without exposing both flanks! For the first time in his career as a field commander, John II was held at bay! The less experienced, but valiant Bavarians on the right were in danger of collapsing.

Just as the Bavarians were on the verge of collapse the air was filled with the sound of Turkish trumpets! The arrayed troops waited for a heartbeat in awe as the Comte de St. Omer lead the cavalry forward at the head of his personal regiment of lancers arrayed in Turkish fashion complete with turbans and spiked helmets! The cavalry brigades smashed into the Hanoverians, turning the assault upon the Bavarians into a bloody rout. The eccentric count seemed to delight in the carnage, composing verse as he impaled a hapless Hanoverian colonel. The ferocity of the cavalry assault and the sight of St. Omer’s giddy visage sent the Hanoverians reeling. The Flemish center surged forward and the Hanoverian army began to collapse in upon itself. The Flemish batteries commenced counter fire, silencing the artillery assault upon the Swiss who moved forward, cutting off the retreat of the fleeing Hanoverians. And then it was finished.

Without any army left in the field, Hannover is now in the hands of John II of Flanders. With no support forthcoming from Britain and no army left to defend the Electorate, Generalfeldmarschall Graf von Linsingen formally surrendered to John II on the fifteenth of September in the Town Hall in Hannover.

The Duel betwixt Their Graces the Dukes of Manhattan and Skye as Observed by Mister Ramon de la Vega

I am deeply saddened to report that the ongoing state of duelling in Great Britain among the nobility remains dismal. As the Dukes of Skye and Manhattan prepared to trade fire with their duelling pistols, I heard the awful intelligence that the Chancellor of the Exchequer actually planned to miss his shot! Worse, when Skye missed his shot, Manhattan deservedly misfired, a flash in the pan!

Furthermore, in accordance to the lack of earnestness shown in this ceremony, the dukes then enjoyed cigars! Surely any gentleman of honour reading this report will be appalled at this travesty! It is customary, among men of breeding, to follow the Code Duello in matters of honour. It would have been far better if these to dukes had followed the old and now forbidden practice of deloping, or even simply foregone the duel entirely, rather than making a farce of this most noble practice!

Another Gentlewoman Saved from the Clutches of the Duke of Manhattan!

By Jane, Lady Tennyson

After His Grace’s disgraceful duel with the Duke of Skye, the Chancellor of the Exchequer directed His Grace’s attention to Her Ladyship the Countess of Munster. Of course, Marilyn knew full well of the duke’s misdeeds since I, your loyal correspondent, took it upon myself to advertise Manhattan’s failings to anyone wise enough to listen to my good counsel. Upon leaving Her Ladyship’s residence, I spied the nefarious duke strut like a cock towards her doorstep! Naturally, I decided to record what transpired, for the sake of posterity. True to Her Ladyship’s word, Countess Munster refused to even hear the pathetic duke’s false entreaties, as His Grace declared that I had maligned His Grace’s good name by writing lies in the London Times! My mission completed, I returned home satisfied that I have done my duty by preserving the virtue of London’s Society.

The Prime Minister Praised the Chancellor of the Exchequer at Court!

By Jane, Lady Tennyson

His Lordship the Prime Minister attended the Royal Court at Westminster in order to remind His Majesty King George III of the invaluable service performed by the Duke of Manhattan in His Grace’s erstwhile capacity as Brigadier General of the Brigade of Foot Guards. His Britannic Majesty listened and agreed to Lord Nottingham’s opinion of the present Chancellor of the Exchequer, which further elevated the Prime Minister’s position at Court.

Unfortunately, Lord Rottingham either shares His Grace’s absence of character or prefers to remain ignorant of the Chancellor of the Exchequer’s philandering ways. Moreover, it occurs to this correspondent that if the members of the current government spent less time piling accolades upon one another and feathering their own nests, the kingdom would not be beset upon all sides as it is today!

Miss Wilma Deering Receives Captain Andrew Rates

By Miss Dale Arden

Miss Wilma Deering learned of Captain Andrew Rates’ intention to court her at Town and thus made haste to London (leaving some crossed by her womanly priorities as they expected her to honour her appointments). The Regimental Adjutant for the First Regiment of Horse found the staff at Miss Deering’s Townhouse quite amiable to his arrival as they insisted he visit their mistress in her bedchamber. Dropping all pretences of propriety, Miss Deering ravished poor Captain Rates and after their assignation, insisted he escort her to his club the following week!

Indeed, the couple seemed agreeable when I observed them at the Fellows of St George. Of course, I also received an incredulous form of intelligence at the end of this month, which suggested that Miss Deering (due to her tryst with Captain Rates) is pregnant with his unborn child! Whether this is idle gossip, ill-intentioned rumour, or cold hard fact remains to be seen!

Miss Vanessa Kensington Rejects Sebastien de Beauvoir for Want of Reputation!

By Miss Bridget Jones

Inquiring the neighbourhood as to the precise sequence of events, I discovered that Doctor Sebastien de Beauvoir visited Miss Vanessa Kensington at the start of this month. Despite his station and a most generous allowance of six hundred pounds per annum, Miss Kensington declined to submit to Dr. de Beauvoir’s entreaties, for in the words of dear Vanessa:

You simply lack a name that persuades me to consider you as a suitable suitor, sir!

Table of Contents

The Social Register
The Army List
The Navy List
The Church Standings

Doctor Simon Creed Attends to Lord Shropshire’s Wounds

By Miss Bridget Jones

After His Lordship’s harrowing ordeal at sea, the Earl of Shropshire returned to the comfort of His Lordship’s castle at Shrewsbury. Immediately, His Lordship summoned Doctor Simon Creed, renowned throughout England as one of the finest surgeons in the country. Despite conducting research on a paper, Dr Creed abandoned his project in order to heal a dear comrade. Furthermore, the Countess of Abbingdon (Doctor’s Simon Creed’s newlywed bride) volunteered to accompany him on the long journey. I am happy to relate that the operation to preserve the Lord Admiral Shropshire’s life proved successful and that we need not worry about the possible loss of Britain’s finest admiral!

In addition, I also desire to commend another surgeon who assisted in the surgery. Doctor Sebastien de Beauvoir performed a marvellous task assisting Dr Creed throughout the lengthy course of the operation. Hopefully, a certain Miss Vanessa Kensington will read this article and consider Dr de Beauvoir worthier of her hand via his actions.

The Wedding of His Lordship the Earl of Nottingham and Her Royal Highness the Princess Charlotte

By Jane, Lady Tennyson

Among the first attendants to this long anticipated nuptial ceremony, His Grace the Duke of Montrose arrived with Her Royal Highness the Princess Augusta Sophia. While we know of the duke’s ability to astonish with His Grace’s dancing, the Secretary at War neglected wit and courtesy. Even though Montrose spent two weeks improving His Grace’s etiquette, the result of His Grace’s studies proved disappointing as the duke clumsily complimented the bride by expecting Her Highness to exceed Nottingham’s expectations in the bedchamber! Furthermore, His Grace’s wedding present (chosen by Princess Augusta Sophia) reflected His Grace’s sentiment since the gift consisted of articles of intimate clothing fit only for the pleasure houses of Venice!

Accompanied by my good friend the Countess of Tottington, the northern barbarian (as His Grace the Duke of Skye is commonly known) attended both ceremony and reception. However, His Grace tended to mumble or dare I say, speak in the incomprehensible language of His Majesty’s Caledonian Subjects. Although I must add that Skye surprised me by gifting Lord and Lady Nottingham with a lovely tea service! Such refinement of taste coming from such a ruffian was truly unexpected!

With terrestrial globe in hand, Sir Richard Attenborough and Miss Hermione Granger congratulated Lord Nottingham and Princess Charlotte. Rather than wait to present the gift during the reception, Sir Richard actually thought it proper to give the item shortly after the end of the wedding ceremony! (Perhaps he should concentrate more on etiquette rather than on dancing lessons for himself and Miss Granger.)

More dire occurrences followed at the reception when the result of that fortnight’s worth of instructions failed to improve the couple’s technique. Indeed, the only positive quality I discerned from Sir Richard came from his impeccable wardrobe. Thus, I managed to mention something of worth on the part of Sir Richard Attenborough!

His Lordship the Viscount Chesterleigh, having returned to us from the American Colonies, acted rather ungentlemanly towards the Princess Royal. Treating Princess Charlotte like a common camp follower, Lord Chesterleigh enquired as to whether or not Her Royal Highness already had intimate relations with Lord Nottingham. Naturally, Princess Charlotte declined to respond and thankfully Miss Penelope Weaver possessed enough sense to escort Lord Chesterleigh from Her Royal Highness’s presence.

One of the climaxes of the wedding reception came as the Sir Joshua Reynolds premiered his portrait of Princess Charlotte and Lord Nottingham. While admiring the painting, His Majesty King George congratulated Sir Joshua on his artistry and thanked the Duke of Manhattan (for volunteering to finance the project and thus freeing the Crown of such an obligation). And despite the presence of His Grace’s mistress, the infamous Miss Christina Apple, the majority of the attendants decided to praise the Chancellor of the Exchequer for His Grace’s wit and charm during the auspicious occasion.

The Marquess of Salisbury planned on dancing at the wedding reception, and despite the urgings of Miss Constance Heart, apprehension of failure (a trepidation His Excellency never experienced on the battlefield) held His Excellency fast to his chair. Likewise, the Earl of Shropshire declined to grace the ballroom with His Lordship’s presence due to the injuries sustained this past summer, which assuredly disappointed Lady Shropshire and a considerable number of other women at the reception. On the other hand, Princess Charlotte seemed pleased with Lord and Lady Shropshire’s gift of a set of china bearing the Royal Coat of Arms of Great Britain!

Unexpectedly, after his complete seclusion from Society the last month, Sir Thomas Carville and Lady Joselyn Reynolds Carville arrived bearing a set of crystal flutes for Lord and Lady Nottingham. Furthermore, Sir Thomas supplied the reception with additional wine whilst Lady Joselyn presented a bolt of silk to Princess Charlotte.

Although I think it proper for Sir Thomas to perform all the above obligations, as befitting a wedding guest to such an important celebrity as the Prime Minister, my attention seemed more fixed on his presence in the ballroom. Sir Thomas and Lady Joselyn slightly disappointed with their mediocre performance. On the other hand, his superlative manners showed the extent of his improvement as a gentleman. (The reformed man who spoke civilly to Princess Charlotte bore no resemblance to the rake that disgraced his sex last year!)

When etiquette deemed their action proper, Lord Nottingham and Princess Charlotte mingled with the other couples. After thanking attendants and remarking on the handsome nature of their presents, the Prime Minister and the Princess Royal danced several times before retiring for the evening.

Lord and Lady Nottingham Robbed on Way to Nottingham Castle!

By Ramon de la Vega

Leaving with the kind words of well wishers in their ears the Earl and Countess of Nottingham left to spend their honeymoon at Nottingham Castle. Among the baggage departing with the Prime Minister and His Lordship’s newlywed bride: Princess Charlotte’s dowry of nearly four thousands pounds!

Indeed the news of such wealth spread throughout the countryside and into the ears of one Robin Hood. Like her namesake, the highway-woman sought to humiliate her self-proclaimed nemesis and collected her Merry Maids. She discovered the character of the guards lax while associating with those of the weaker sex and thus loosed her accomplices upon the unsuspecting soldiers. The members of the Coldstream Guards were unprepared for the sheer ferocity of the Merry Maids’ debauchery and quickly succumbed to a superior foe!

After inebriating her hapless victims, Miss Hood appropriated the coach bearing the dowry and rode off with her well endowed companions. Also appropriated were the trousers of every member of the escort detachment! When Lord and Lady Nottingham desired to continue their journey the next morning, they found much of their fortune stolen and a letter advertising the identity of the woman who committed the crime! I am certain the detachment of trouser-less Coldstreams provided yet another terrible surprise to an already horrific morning!

A Report on the King’s Birthday Ball as Witnessed by Jane, Lady Tennyson

Doctor Simon Creed, Member of Parliament for Westminster, arrived first accompanied by his new wife the Countess of Abbingdon and his old mistress (my unfortunate colleague Miss Bridget Jones). Given His Majesty’s fondness for animals, King George naturally took well to receiving a thoroughbred stallion from Doctor Creed. Indeed, Lara Croft the Countess of Abbingdon employed Her Ladyship’s influence at Westminster to secure an audience for Her Ladyship’s consort. Once in the private company of His Britannic Majesty, Dr Creed wasted no time in arguing his qualifications for the position of Royal Physician. Rather than judge the surgeon an impertinent fop, the king granted his request and made Doctor Creed a member of the Royal Court!

Mister Runyon Slater, although he remains an aspirant for a position befitting his station in the Royal Navy, surely passed his examination according to the standards of the Royal Court. I learnt that the gentleman spent 200 Pounds on his outfit. Moreover, he managed to wear his attire well and attract the eyes of many of the ladies fortunate to attend the occasion. However, I must criticise Mister Slater for possessing no interest in inscribing his name upon a lady’s dance card!

His Grace the Duke of Montrose, in a repeat of his unfashionable attendance of the wedding His Lordship the Earl of Nottingham and Her Royal Highness the Princess Charlotte, danced marvellously with Her Royal Highness the Princess Augusta Sophia while offending the Royal Court with his uncouth manners. Although His Britannic Majesty King George III approved of Princess Augusta Sophia’s gift of a most impressive Berkshire hog (whom the king dubbed Montrose for his noble bearing), the Secretary at War expressed displeasure from sharing his name with a lowly porcine. Indeed, King George retorted:

Careful, Your Grace, lest We desire to bestow Your Grace’s titles upon this worthy beast! What, what!

The Chancellor of the Exchequer next appeared to darken this fine occasion with His Grace’s presence. Attempting to disguise His Grace’s lack of character, the Duke of Manhattan donned the most dashing attire in the entire Royal Court, but His Grace’s poor showing at the ballroom revealed Manhattan’s failings as a gentleman! Of course, the duke employed a most diabolical silver tongue to cover His Grace’s inadequacies (which can never excuse the box of cigars His Grace presented to His Most Britannic Majesty).

A Captain William Steere of the First Regiment of Horse (whom I am told possesses some filial connection to a marquess) decided to announce his formal entry into London Society via his acceptable outfit. Though his attire seemed acceptable, I am reluctant to judge his dancing on par with the standards of the Royal Court. More importantly, Captain Steere’s patronage of certain carnal enterprises may call his overall character into question.

Sir Arthur Dent chose to remain far from my notice, or anyone capable of advancing his reputation. Ironically, the physician for the Royal Regiment of Horse Guards dressed in clothes appraised at over two hundred pounds! Moreover, rather than directly advertise his gift to the whole of Westminster, an equerry later confided that Sir Arthur entrusted him with the king’s birthday present: a thoroughbred of some distinguished pedigree.

In a reverse of fortune, Sir Richard improved his reputation while attending the king at His Britannic Majesty’s Birthday Ball. His gift of the Chronica Slavonum impressed King George and the sovereign of our fair realm remained speaking with Sir Richard for a considerable amount of time. On the other hand, Sir Richard and Miss Granger showed no progression in the area of dancing as some malady continued to plague them at the ballroom in St James’s Palace.

Roderick, Viscount Chesterleigh and Miss Penelope Weaver danced during the festivities. Whether Lord Chesterleigh knew not how to perform the minuet or forgot the knowledge during His Lordship’s absence seemed immaterial as the viscount crushed Miss Weaver’s poor feet at least half a dozen times!

Late arrivals to St James’s Palace, I spied (with great surprise) Lord and Lady Nottingham attending the Royal Court. While the Prime Minister may correctly surmise that His Lordship and Princess Charlotte must present themselves to His Britannic Majesty, the Princess Royal’s behaviour testified to the possible imprudence of even a necessarily appropriate action. My intimate observation of Lady Nottingham during the course of the evening, who seemed unwell and quite upset over the theft of Her Highness’s dowry by Miss Robin Hood and Her Merry Maids, confirmed my initial opinion of Lord Nottingham’s unwise decision!

Displeased with the comportment of Lord and Lady Nottingham, His Majesty sat with His Excellency the Marquess of Salisbury. His Excellency, despite holding the rank of Field Marshall in the British Army, seemed reluctant to address King George III, who fortunately interpreted His Excellency’s timidity as: knowing his place, what, what!

When the king approached Lord Shropshire, His Majesty approved of the Lord Admiral’s gift: the sword of Monsieur le Marquis de Guissény; His Excellency relinquished the blade when Le Zodiaque struck her colours. Furthermore, the earl added an inscription that brought pleasure to the Monarch’s Countenance:

God Save the King and Britannia!

Later, Lord Shropshire presented King George with a litter of foxhounds, which impressed His Majesty, who recognised their fine pedigree and praised His Lordship’s ability as an admiral and a breeder of canines!

At around the same time, Sir Thomas Carville also gave a pair of tiger cubs from Bengal. Notably, the king remarked at the expense of such presents and surprisingly forgave the President of the Royal Society for his many absences. Unfortunately, the tiger cubs fell upon Sir Thomas’s clothes, wresting his coat with their claws and a majority of his outer garments.

Lord Burton Entertains Miss Gwendolyn Fairfax at Burton Hall

By Jane, Lady Tennyson

Unlike the majority of the nobility, His Lordship the Earl of Burton remained far from London and spent the month in seclusion at an Irish monastery. Following His Lordship recuperation, my confidante in this matter related details concerning a dinner His Lordship enjoyed with Miss Gwendolyn Fairfax. Fortunately, my timely presence at St James’s Palace prevented me from covering this dreadfully uninteresting event!

Mister Archibald Ernest Fotheringhay Masters Dissipation

By Miss Bridget Jones

Mister Archibald Ernest Fotheringhay, as expected from a man of his moral character, spent the entirety of the month of September cloistered in the carnal confines of many of London’s houses of pleasure. While I commend the gentleman for not contracting the pox, or losing his money to footpads, I must question his lack of industry. Can man live solely on a diet of tarts?

Gentleman Recluse Spends Month Studying Medicine at Guy’s Hospital

By Miss Dale Arden

I am told that a new and financially endowed gentleman arrived in London. Unfortunately for the ladies of London, Doctor Bernard Benson-Curraders preferred the company of the ailing patients of Guy’s Hospital rather than attend the parties where fairer of the sexes congregate. Needless to say, his actions brought shame upon his family, which prompted Sir Charles Curraders to send a scathing letter to his negligent offspring.

Miss Donna Noble Unimpressed by Captain Tam O’Shanter as Witnessed by Miss Bridget Jones

I am unpleasantly surprised by the increase in work that I must undertake due to my recent absence. Furthermore, Lady Tennyson seemed ever adamant in her loathing of commoners and thus entrusted me with the chronicling of their misdeeds. This is, you may find, a prejudice that leaves Miss Arden and myself quite burdened with additional work.

At least my return allowed me to witness a spectacle unmatched in the Orient. Captain Tam O’Shanter of the Seventeenth Regiment of Light Dragoons foolishly attempted to charm Ms Donna Noble via his Gaelic Personality. Indeed, the opposite effect occurred when Miss Noble ejected Captain O’Shanter from her window (in addition to the contents of her chamber pot). A maidservant employed by Miss Noble further informed me that Captain O’Shanter’s lustful wooing included persuading Miss Noble to favour him with her virtue!

Naturally, any gentlewoman must perform her duty in such a situation and rebuke the advances of such a rake. Fortunately, Captain O’Shanter chose not to harass other women in London and kept his debauchery confined within the walls of the Beef Steak Club.